The End of The Rope

I chose the title that I did for this blog because I feel like it's something of a moto for my life. No matter what point in my past I look at there was always something I just had to keep strong and get through. It's a very prominent part of my days lately. Keeping strong.

I've talked a little about how my husband works in the oilfield and so he is gone for weeks at a time. We never know when he leaves or when he comes home. It's kinda hectic. He has currently been gone for about six weeks. It's not as long as some guys stay out, but after 3 years of us being used to a fairly consistent 3-4 week rotation (unofficially), we are all running out of patience and I am trying to figure out just how long I can keep strong.

It's so hard some days. Stress. Everyone missing Austin. Gavin having some serious missing daddy issues. Clingieness. The whining, oh geeez the whining. And on top of it all I was sick the last two days and am finally coming around to feeling better. All of this stuff piled up on top of the normal craziness of life, it's just too much some days. Some days, like today, I feel like a complete failure as a mother. I'm trying so hard to be the mom my kids deserve while I deal with all of the above, all the while trying to fight off the demons ingrained in me that just want me to satisfy my urge to be angry. It's how when people say someone was "seeing red". It's like in that moment you just have such overwhelming anger. Even if you know rationally that whatever is upsetting you isn't worth the reaction, it's still so much work to fight those feelings. I know in the front of my mind that my children and their well being are always my priority that's why I am left completely depleted of energy and strength at the end of a day like today. It's hard enough to be a mom and take care of children night and day. It's a whole other story when you're trying to fight off your demons during it all.

This is why a part of me will always hate my father. Call it selfish. Call it placing the blame. Call it whatever you want but I will never be able to forgive him for not loving my siblings and I enough to be better to us. He didn't fight his demons that were placed in him as a kid. He gave in to them. He taught me how to be mad. Hateful. Mean. He didn't try to fight his urges to satisfy his anger, he just gave in to them. Often with one of us as the target for where he'd channel that anger. He didn't try to be better for me and he passed his demons on to me. I hate him now because it is a struggle constantly to be better for my kids. I have to love them enough to fight. I shouldn't have to, but that's what it is. I just want to do my best for them so that they never have to deal with this struggle between what is right and what is eating away inside of you to get out. I want to pass on my good qualities to them so I try so hard to keep this one to myself. But some days, like today, after so much yelling, and frustration, I feel like I failed.

Kairos

So, lately I've had a serious itch to get more tattoos. It's been over 2 years since my last one and it's time for more. I am the kinda person who loves meaningful tattoos. No matter what I have on my body, if it's meaningful to me I will always love it. The tattoos I have now mean so much to me and I will never dislike them. I've been wanting to get the word "kairos" for some time and I think that it will soon be my new addition. Kairos is one of two words that the ancient Greeks used to refer to time. Chronos, as we all know is the minute by minute, hour by hour chronological order of time. Kairos, on the other hand is the word the Greeks used to refer to a special moment. The kind of moment when time stands still and you absorb those few fleeting seconds. In the New Testament kairos is considered God's time, or the appointed time when God acts.

For me kairos is when my ten month old grins at me with his big toothy smile. Or he presses his forehead against my forehead and closes his eyes as if he is also savoring the moment and closeness with me. It's when my 3 year old runs to kiss his brother and be silly to cheer him up and tells him "it's ok silly boy." It's when he wraps his arms around my neck and tells me I'm the best ever <3 Kairos is when I move him into his own bed at night and he sleepily kisses me on the cheek without even waking. It's when my husband comes home from a hitch offshore and my family is together again, safely and happily. Kairos is the moment I realize that Austin and I have been cuddling and talking uninterrupted long enough to really get lost in conversation. It's every moment that I know in my heart that I am exactly where I should be and life is exactly as it was meant to be.

Too often it is easy to let these moments pass with just a slight smile and no second thought. It's far too often that we let the truly beautiful pause in time go without much of a pause. Life, as I feel like I often write, gets in the way. I know it does for me. I know that some nights as I fall asleep I recall of a random part of the day and realize that I should have enjoyed it just a bit more. These tiny fragments of pure joy are like a glimpse into what I imagine heaven to be. Peace. Happiness. Love.

So, for me this tattoo will be a regular reminder to grab hold of the special moments, because after all, those moments are indeed God's time.