Chex. Fears. And a Slightly Broken Heart.

I really hate when I have a full day and a lot of stuff happens and I don't get to talk to my husband at the end and tell him about it. Mostly cause days like today are only interesting, funny or exciting to me and him. Such as, today we went to my mom's house and helped her get started bringing purpose to a forgotten corner of her backyard. Gavin dug, a lot. Like a dog. It was pretty cute. He blissfully ran around barefooted and played frisbee. Silas played in the empty kiddie pool, which turned out to be a great playpin! And he had a blast and he even stood up from a squatting position while holding onto nothing but a toy in his hand. That is some legit thigh strength! He is getting so fast at crawling and so good at standing. Gavin totally broke my heart today, I responded to him with "yes baby" and he said, "why did you call me baby? I'm a boy!" He calls himself a boy when he means 'big boy'. I told him "because you're my baby!" he said, "no, Silas is your baby. I'm a boy!" I was sad.

Then we went to dinner with my grandmother and both boys fell asleep on the 5 minute drive to the restaurant. Silas slept through the salads. But Gavin. That kid slept until we finished paying the check and were leaving. I held him up and bounced him. I talked to him. I wiggled him. He was passed. Out! I felt bad that he woke up in time to leave. Poor kid missed all the fun. But now it is almost 11:30 and he is wide awake and sitting right next to me eating chex mix for dinner because despite my best efforts to make him something that is all he wants. It won't kill him, whateves.

 Now that I got that out of my system. I was thinking I need to record a list of phobias. In case my kids ever wonder if they are weird or whatever for having certain fears and I'm not around to reassure them that it's a totally legit phobia to have. Unless it's bibliophobia. In which case, you're disowned. Get a life. Okay...
First, my biggest fear hands down (besides the bazillion different horrible things that could happen to my children or husband or siblings) is heights. Like, it might be unhealthy how afraid of heights I am. I'll put it this way, when I watch a movie and someone is on the side of a building, cliff, airplane, anything that is taller than than a one story roof I have a physical reaction to the fear. I get sweaty, my heart races, my skin starts to get uncomfortable and prickly. I go nuts. And the higher the ledge, the worse the reaction. It's bad.

Second, Roaches. Omg. I hate hate hate roaches with every ounce of my being. They are disgusting horrible vile things. The few times in my life that I have come into physical contact with a roach made me want to burn the flesh off of that part of my body. They are quiet and sneaky and I'd rather face a ninja. Disgusting. Blah.

Cancer. I have always had this huge fear of cancer. Not so much what it means. But the fact that this horrible disease can be living inside of you without warning. It can just start growing one day and you may never know or not know until it's too late. It's bizarre. I can protect myself and my family from so many things, take great measures to prevent accidents, but cancer, if it wants to happen, it just will. Being unaware and unable to stop it is what freaks me out. I used to spend many, many nights as a kid obsessing and fretting over every little thing that I was convinced was cancer. I'm normal.

Aging. Not so much a fear but the thing I dread the most. I realize it is inevitable but that doesn't stop me from pretending it won't happen. Hoping I can stop/ reverse it. People laugh and say I'm too young to be worried about getting old but, hello! Someone forgot to tell these people that 23 IS old and I will be there in just a few days. Gross. Make it stop.

I guess the biggest fear of mine is definitely not being able to protect my kids or even my husband. It's so hard for me to let any of them go because I am terrified of one day getting a bad call. I'm always worried about my siblings because I know I can't do anything about them or their decisions but I always worry. I worry constantly about everyone. I most definitely pray for safety more than I pray for anything else. It might be obsessive.
I know there is more but these are the major ones. I'm not afraid of much, but the things I am afraid of really really get me.

Procrastination.

Pretty much I'm excellent at procrastinating. A+ student in Not Getting Shit Done 101.

My laptop battery has politely told me for maybe a year months now that it was dying, for good. I politely ignored it because as long as I had the charger I could pretend all was well. Then it happened. The charger died too. I kill electronics. It's documented. I will need to get around to replacing them both eventually but my awesome brother brought me his old charger so that just bought me at least a few more months of procrastinating. Heyoo!


So, I've sat for a few days with no way to write to the one random person who accidentally stumbles onto my blog by googling something about fitness or pictures of buff guys. It happens, I'm sure.

I might really need my husband to come home soon. I'm getting so boring bored.


Today, the boys and I went to visit a friend and have a playdate with her little girl. Our days go so much better when we get out of the house for a while. I was pretty bummed though that I didn't get to the gym. I'm finally making time for myself again and I love it. I have attempted to workout only a handful of times since I had Thing 1 but now I'm back at it and I really missed it and I love it! I love rediscovering old loves. Like, when my husband finally gets off that freaking boat!

A Bamboozle!

Since today's post technically belongs to yesterday and I just got around to finishing it today, this day deserves it's own post. But only because it's a special day. Today is Hitler's birthday! Just kidding. But really it is. It's also the anniversary of Columbine. Sad face. It's also the anniversary of the oil spill. Mad face. BUT none of those things are good things. Unless, you're Mrs. Hitler and you don't yet know what kind genocidal maniac you just gave birth to. Any-shnauzer, today is my husband's birthday!!!! It weirds me out that he is so old though. 25!! That means I'm getting older too and I really don't like that concept. I'm still trying to convince myself that I stopped at 17. Teen Mom, heyy!

*Pause for conveniently timed phone call from husband*

As I was saying, today is the day my wonderful husband was born. I adore him! Despite having just had this conversation...
Austin: What are you doing?
Me: I started a blog! I'm writing.
Austin: Ya? What's it about?
Me: Me, pretty much. It's not important like a parenting blog or a cooking blog or fitness blog. It's just me. My life. Mostly since I have no one to talk to most of the time so I just talk to myself in cyber space.
Austin: That's more pathetic than just not having anyone to talk to.

See? He's a charmer, this one. He was a hell raiser (thanks for that genetic code) but he has become an incredible man. I'm blessed he's mine. I wish he weren't hanging out on a barge and swimming in a swamp today and instead was home with us, but we'll celebrate later. He also happens to be one hell of a dad! Seriously, late nights, poopy blow-outs, temper tantrums, discipline, kissing boo boos, focusing on the kid instead of whatever else he's doing, bedtime stories, obnoxious kid shows. He does it all! I hope one day our boys grow up and realize how blessed they are to have a dad like him, and then they decide to be just like him when they become fathers.

Happy Birthday to the man that I love. The man that makes all my dreams come true. I love you more than I could ever tell you! Even if you did bamboozle me into this life ;)

The calm before the storm

Earlier this afternoon I had to take the car to the dealership to get the shocks fixed on the tailgate door... thing. On the way there both boys fell asleep and since I often dream of sticking them in the car and just driving, so I can forget all the chaos for just a while, that's what we did. Sorta. See, gas being 4 bucks a gallon makes joyriding hard to swallow, instead I got some awful food (and by awful I mean loaded with who knows what, but tastes so good!) a giant cherry limeade and parked in an empty lot. I put the windows down and enjoyed the breeze and my music. It was peace. Austin, the husband, called and it was so nice to talk to him without all the madness swirling around me. I miss that man when he's gone.

I had hopes that the rest of my day would be just as beautiful and peaceful, but who am I kidding? I knew to enjoy the little moment while it lasted. Once the offspring woke up and the whining started and the crying slowly got louder and louder, reality snapped back into focus and the rest of the day was grocery shopping temper tantrums and more threats to leave my defiant toddler in the store/car/with that hobo chillin under the bridge than I can count. But, finally, it got late and eyes got tired and as I put my sweet hellians to bed I caught a breath of that peacefulness from the afternoon, the calm before the storm.

Prom. Landfills. and The Aligment of Stars.

Silas is amazing!! Right now he is sitting in the playroom just crawling around playing with different toys. He's been contently playing alone for about 45 minutes now and I adore him for it. Among other things, but right now I love that he's not making me hold him. He sprouted his first tooth today. My little baby won't stop getting big and it makes me kinda sad. But I'm proud of him and it's exciting to watch him learn, that's my favorite part of the boys growing up, watching them learn new things.

Today was an interesting day. One I expected would probably never happen. I went prom dress shopping with my sister, but that isn't the strange part. I mean, I always hoped that as her big sister she would take me prom dress shopping with her. The weird part is that our dad was there. Normally, that's not so unusual, but my dad and I have not had a relationship and basically no contact, save for a few graduations and a couple of unsolicited visits from him, for the last five years. I chose to sever our ties because I needed to work through the landfill of emotional garbage he'd dumped on me my whole life and you can't really clean anything up while someone keeps piling more crap on, right? So, I got rid of the garbage man. Ok, I'm done with this methaphore. But it was fitting right? I've been in a good place for a while now. He no longer has any authority or power to bring me down or create chaos in my life with his own mess. I'm in a place now that I can be around him and it doesn't bother me, I can talk to him without feeling like I'm letting him win something. To me, he is no different than any other person you meet. You say hello, make small talk, everything is civil and you move on. It doesn't linger with you for days or weeks, it's a fleeting moment and it holds no value. That is how I see my relationship with him right now. I can take it or leave it and I will not feel different either way. I guess after all the battles with him in the last 23 years, I finally won the war. I'm free of all the baggage and I've never felt better. Anyway, recently his stars aligned and situations came up and family visited and somehow it all worked out that we ended up at the same place at the same time. And for the first time ever, he got to see and hold his grandsons (I'm still working on that term, I'm not there yet). So when my sister asked me to come dress shopping I agreed, then I learned he was going too, but I still agreed. It ended up being a good day, he got to play with the boys and spend time with them. And I hung out with my sister and brother and future sis in law. For the longest time I thought that I would never for any reason willingly be around him, but life is interesting like that I suppose. Who knows what the future holds for this relationship (or whatever it is) I guess we will have to wait for the stars to align again, but for now. It just is.

On a better note, Sarah picked out a gorgeous dress!! I need a reason to borrow it in the future, so invite me to a wedding or something!

This is the Story of A Girl

My New Year's resolution (hah!) was to start keeping a journal and, well, it's now half way through April and this is the first journally thing I've written. I guess I know why I've never bothered to make a resolution before. Any-schnauzer, I wanted to keep a journal so that I can show my kids when they are grown up, so they can know me if ever I weren't with them anymore, or just so I can remember because, on the real, my memory blows. My oldest son is almost three and already I've forgotten so many things about his babyhood. Like, today we went to an Easter egg hunt and my mom asked if it was Gavin who got half a plastic egg stuck in his mouth when he was a baby. I told her no but half a day later that is starting to sound kinda familiar. See? Awful memory. I really don't want to forget all the cute/ crazy/ and annoying things these kids do. So I can look back and say "awww" or "dude, you're lucky I let you live."

So now you're wondering why I don't just keep all these presh memories safely written in a cutely crafted notebook, right? That was my plan. I don't think I'm much of a "blogger" but we'll see because I am apparently also not a traditional journaler considering I've been meaning to get to it for four months.

Soo, I guess I'll just jump right in and you can get to know me along the way. A few basics though. I'm the mom- I always win (an important lesson when you're two and insanely stubborn.) I have two amazing and wild little boys, 2 and 8 months old and I also happen to be married to the best husband in the history of husbands. I'm 22, despite my very best efforts to stay 17 forever. My husband is a commercial diver which takes him away from home for a significant part of the year, leaving me to figure out how to muscle my way through motherhood and baby stages and flying solo. In the last several years of living this lifestyle I've come to learn that... All You've Got to Keep is Strong.



I tend to update my facebook with way too many quotes from Gavin so I might as well publish them here too. Today at the grocery store and at home while I cleaned he kept asking me "is there anything I can do to help?" Heart sufficiently melted!`