The End of The Rope

I chose the title that I did for this blog because I feel like it's something of a moto for my life. No matter what point in my past I look at there was always something I just had to keep strong and get through. It's a very prominent part of my days lately. Keeping strong.

I've talked a little about how my husband works in the oilfield and so he is gone for weeks at a time. We never know when he leaves or when he comes home. It's kinda hectic. He has currently been gone for about six weeks. It's not as long as some guys stay out, but after 3 years of us being used to a fairly consistent 3-4 week rotation (unofficially), we are all running out of patience and I am trying to figure out just how long I can keep strong.

It's so hard some days. Stress. Everyone missing Austin. Gavin having some serious missing daddy issues. Clingieness. The whining, oh geeez the whining. And on top of it all I was sick the last two days and am finally coming around to feeling better. All of this stuff piled up on top of the normal craziness of life, it's just too much some days. Some days, like today, I feel like a complete failure as a mother. I'm trying so hard to be the mom my kids deserve while I deal with all of the above, all the while trying to fight off the demons ingrained in me that just want me to satisfy my urge to be angry. It's how when people say someone was "seeing red". It's like in that moment you just have such overwhelming anger. Even if you know rationally that whatever is upsetting you isn't worth the reaction, it's still so much work to fight those feelings. I know in the front of my mind that my children and their well being are always my priority that's why I am left completely depleted of energy and strength at the end of a day like today. It's hard enough to be a mom and take care of children night and day. It's a whole other story when you're trying to fight off your demons during it all.

This is why a part of me will always hate my father. Call it selfish. Call it placing the blame. Call it whatever you want but I will never be able to forgive him for not loving my siblings and I enough to be better to us. He didn't fight his demons that were placed in him as a kid. He gave in to them. He taught me how to be mad. Hateful. Mean. He didn't try to fight his urges to satisfy his anger, he just gave in to them. Often with one of us as the target for where he'd channel that anger. He didn't try to be better for me and he passed his demons on to me. I hate him now because it is a struggle constantly to be better for my kids. I have to love them enough to fight. I shouldn't have to, but that's what it is. I just want to do my best for them so that they never have to deal with this struggle between what is right and what is eating away inside of you to get out. I want to pass on my good qualities to them so I try so hard to keep this one to myself. But some days, like today, after so much yelling, and frustration, I feel like I failed.

Kairos

So, lately I've had a serious itch to get more tattoos. It's been over 2 years since my last one and it's time for more. I am the kinda person who loves meaningful tattoos. No matter what I have on my body, if it's meaningful to me I will always love it. The tattoos I have now mean so much to me and I will never dislike them. I've been wanting to get the word "kairos" for some time and I think that it will soon be my new addition. Kairos is one of two words that the ancient Greeks used to refer to time. Chronos, as we all know is the minute by minute, hour by hour chronological order of time. Kairos, on the other hand is the word the Greeks used to refer to a special moment. The kind of moment when time stands still and you absorb those few fleeting seconds. In the New Testament kairos is considered God's time, or the appointed time when God acts.

For me kairos is when my ten month old grins at me with his big toothy smile. Or he presses his forehead against my forehead and closes his eyes as if he is also savoring the moment and closeness with me. It's when my 3 year old runs to kiss his brother and be silly to cheer him up and tells him "it's ok silly boy." It's when he wraps his arms around my neck and tells me I'm the best ever <3 Kairos is when I move him into his own bed at night and he sleepily kisses me on the cheek without even waking. It's when my husband comes home from a hitch offshore and my family is together again, safely and happily. Kairos is the moment I realize that Austin and I have been cuddling and talking uninterrupted long enough to really get lost in conversation. It's every moment that I know in my heart that I am exactly where I should be and life is exactly as it was meant to be.

Too often it is easy to let these moments pass with just a slight smile and no second thought. It's far too often that we let the truly beautiful pause in time go without much of a pause. Life, as I feel like I often write, gets in the way. I know it does for me. I know that some nights as I fall asleep I recall of a random part of the day and realize that I should have enjoyed it just a bit more. These tiny fragments of pure joy are like a glimpse into what I imagine heaven to be. Peace. Happiness. Love.

So, for me this tattoo will be a regular reminder to grab hold of the special moments, because after all, those moments are indeed God's time.

Things I've Learned Today.

Marley, will stay inside for all day and night if it means he doesn't have to go out in the rain. It also means he has to hold it for well over 24 hours. Impressive.

Silas, will tear some shit up to get at a PB&J. Noted. New go to food for him cause, wow.

I might be more productive when it's storming outside.

I'm going back to school. Math frightens me.

To Hell With It!

Life has been something of a struggle lately. And despite my desire to write I've been unable to muster anything I want to remember. Austin lost his job. We expected him to leave any moment but instead got a call that the company was closing up shop. Talk about knocking the wind out of us! Luckily, before the day was over he had an interview lined up for the following week. He got the job, a gnarly pay cut, and the boot back to the bottom of the totem pole. But that can't keep my husband down. He's grateful for the work, he's a hard worker and is much less daunted by these 47 steps backward than I am. So, he's working, proving himself all over again.

Meanwhile, I am home with the bambinos. They don't understand any of this so life here has been the same. Except for me. I've been stressed. I've let the stress get to me. It's gotten in the way of me being the badass mom I should be and giving my kids the badass childhood they deserve. I fret over wages, work conditions, and the house. Oh man, the house. You know when you're down and you feel like doing nothing. Well, my poor house. When my space is a cluttered mess my brain shuts down. Literally can't function in this. Add about 3 more layers of stress. I've been such a witch lately. I mean, not in a horrible way, but in a kinda "do what you want and leave me alone" kinda way. I haven't been fun for my boys. I haven't been fostering their joy and excitement at the world. I feel responsible to give them that now before they get older and start to see the shadows. I want them to live in the light and know they can do anything for as long as they possibly can. I know some day someone is going to tell them they can't, then they will tell themselves but I hope that if I tell them they can enough, they will always believe it. Lately, I've been a 'can't' mom. Today reality smacked me in the head and said stop being such a whiny brat and be grateful. At least he has a job and managed to snatch one up in no time. Our bills will be paid. Our kids will be fed. What more do I really need?

So, today I'm saying to hell with it! Screw the stress, I will always be able to find something to stress about. Gavin will only be thrilled at the sight of his baby brother learning something new for so long. Silas will only bounce and giggle when I walk into a room for a short time. I can't and won't allow my perception of the way things should be to ruin any day for my kids. After all, who decides what "should be" is, anyway? We do. Sure, there are ideals, expectations and aspirations that most people believe we should all follow. That we are told to follow. But only the ones in my life get a say in what "should be" for us. And, as the shot caller around here, I owe it to them to take back the control of what is ideal for our family. So what if my house is a huge mess, it's that way because my kids pulled every single toy out and had fun with it. So what if my couch is a little lumpy, Gavin spent 45 minutes believing he is a superhero and jumped back and forth from the ottoman to the couch. So what if Silas has been naked all day, nothing makes that kid's face light up like taking off his diaper and letting him get some air! Who cares if Gavin is covered in stamps and marker, he's "just pretending he has tattoos." We'll do that! Pretend, play, laugh, imagine, bond, love. These are the things I take away from my kids when I get into a funk and try to fit our lives into someone else's mold. So, we took a little blow. The great thing is, perfect for us, is just happy. And happy is when we see what is amazing in the world, what is exciting about learning new stuff, and how much fun we have when we enjoy the ones we love. Happy is when we CAN!!

Now, to go make Silas realize he CAN walk!!

Counting Sheep

It's been a little while, so let's dive right in!

There are a few things that have been on my mind lately. One of them has only been on it for about 10 minutes and that is how glad I am that my kiddos sleep in my bed. I tried to go to sleep when the boys all went down, but I hadn't washed my face and all I could think about was how sick nasty my pores felt. So I got up to take care of that when I heard my oldest make this very startling squeal/whimper/cry and despite the fact that I knew he was in my bed snuggled safely next to my husband, a mama never can ignore the distressed cry of her little cub, so I dropped everything and ran to check on him. Of course, as I'd expected, he was still asleep and daddy was already on the ball comforting him. As I stood there trying not to vomit my heart, I realized that had I heard that sound coming from his room I would have... well, there are some things that we can't even imagine our reactions to them. I'm just glad that in that moment, I knew he was safe and just having a bad dream.

*Pause for distressed cries from the baby*

No sooner than I finished writing about the wakings of Gavin does Silas start screaming. I ran into my room, slid into my spot in the bed and offered to nurse him, which always soothes him right back to sleep, but not this time. He cried inconsolably for several minutes, refusing to nurse. I finally took him out of the room and sat back at the computer and he instantly settled back to sleep. Clearly, I need to make a dream catcher.

Speaking of dreams, something I actually have been curious about- what do dogs dream? I always hear my dog making noises in his sleep and I know he's dreaming about barking or he will move his legs as if he is at full speed running (which is funny to see while he's laying on his side) and I just wonder what goes on in a dog's brain while they sleep. Like, we have dreams that we can fly, or that bad guys are after us, or the dimensions of reality are warped, do dogs dream that way? Or is it just run of the mill annoying the mail lady, chasing that black dude on a bike down the street, or digging giant ass holes in my backyard? Do dogs have the capacity to dream about things outside of their grasp? I know I dream about things I can't consciously understand all the time. I know it's not profound (shut up Justin) but I was wondering. Get at me with some research!


I'm going to go snuggle my bambinos and hope they sleep peacefully from here on out. Sweet dreams!

Lackadaisical

I like that word, and appropriately so considering it describes me well as of late. I have this problem. See, every time my husband comes home every single ounce of productivity just goes right out the window and all I want to do is sit and watch Desperate Housewives. I love Netflix. What did people do prior to being able to watch an entire TV series in one sitting? My skin hurts when I think about having to wait a full week to watch the next episode. Too far? Waiting to see the next episode and baby fingernails are hands down the worst ways to torture me!

Moving on. It was a glorious 2 weeks with my husband and children. We celebrated his belated birthday. We celebrated my birthday. Vibrams and diamonds, heyoo! We visited, we gardened, he changed the diapers, made most of the meals, facilitated nearly all of the baths and even washed and folded laundry. It's almost like a vacation when he comes home (see paragraph 1). I married a damn good man.

Now that the little minions and I are back to our solo routine I am trying to make up for my lackadaisical last two weeks and I have spent the last two days being a domestic goddess. I swept the kitchen like 8 times!! I cooked a ton of freezer breakfast things and other random goodies. I cleaned. A lot. Not that you can tell because the offspring see it as their sole purpose in life to undo any doing that I do. Either way, I feel better about the whole slob kabob mom situation. Now, as my two year old sits on the kitchen table eating a grilled cheese and coloring and the baby squirms happily in the pile of junk mail he's strewn about the place, I realize (again and again) that our normal is very much unlike normal's normal. It makes sense to me. I was reminded of this today when my new sister-in-law-to-be (btw my little brother got engaged this past weekend!!) pointed out how much she enjoys observing the way we raise our children and how apparent it is that we have our own methods to the magic. It felt good for someone to compliment my parenting in such a way. Especially considering that about 90 percent of the time I am absolutely certain that I'm ruining my children. So, if you two are adults now and reading this and you're unable to properly function in society, my bad.<3

She's Fabulous, But She's Evil.

My husband is home!!! He got in about 3 days ago so we have been spending lots of family time together and working on our yard. We like yard work. Sorta. I'm so happy to have him home. I have slept in every morning that he's been back and I haven't cleaned the kitchen once! It is always amazing to have help with the kids and house and just have my husband home. It's always nice to hang out with someone you love!

I am so happy to see how happy and calm Gavin has been since his daddy got home. He follows him around all day and helps Austin do things or just has to be near him. It's pretty sweet. He's much more easy going with his dad around and that totally makes my days better!

Poor Silas has had a rough few days. He has had a gnarly fever, cut two teeth, and has slept a ton. But when he's awake he's fussy and clingy and miserable. The fever is gone, but he's still making me crazy.

In other news, tomorrow is my birthday. This proves two things... despite how much I believe in being able to will things to happen (how else do you think I got these abs?) I cannot will the world to skip right over May 2nd. I've realized I should have been a leap year baby, then the world would only ignore my desire to skip my birthday every 4 years. I'd take it. It also proves that, as it turns out, I am not going to die when I'm 22. Unless shit hits the fan in the next 45 minutes. As long as I can remember I have always believed I was gonna kick it at 22. Call me crazy. Really, I would understand. But that is just what I've always believed. I also thought that if it didn't happen at 22 it would probably  happen at 23. But I swear, if I make it to 24 (yikes! that just sounds so old!!) then I'll shut up about it. Promise.

I also believe that the day before your birthday should be celebrated. I'd much rather celebrate my last day of being younger than celebrate being another year older. I think the world has this birthday tradition backwards. So, today we went to my mom's and had lunch and Austin and I were given cake and a gift. Since he was away for his birthday and all. Then we came home and planted some junk in the yard, I'm determined to not look like white trash. Pipe dreams. And spent a great day with my favorite men!

PS. Despite my melancholy view on birthdays I am in no way opposed to birthday presents. Particularly if they sparkle. Just saying.




Also, my left boob is as big as Silas' head right now. That might seem awkward to note but when he reads this in 20 years and is totally weirded out, I'm going to giggle.

Chex. Fears. And a Slightly Broken Heart.

I really hate when I have a full day and a lot of stuff happens and I don't get to talk to my husband at the end and tell him about it. Mostly cause days like today are only interesting, funny or exciting to me and him. Such as, today we went to my mom's house and helped her get started bringing purpose to a forgotten corner of her backyard. Gavin dug, a lot. Like a dog. It was pretty cute. He blissfully ran around barefooted and played frisbee. Silas played in the empty kiddie pool, which turned out to be a great playpin! And he had a blast and he even stood up from a squatting position while holding onto nothing but a toy in his hand. That is some legit thigh strength! He is getting so fast at crawling and so good at standing. Gavin totally broke my heart today, I responded to him with "yes baby" and he said, "why did you call me baby? I'm a boy!" He calls himself a boy when he means 'big boy'. I told him "because you're my baby!" he said, "no, Silas is your baby. I'm a boy!" I was sad.

Then we went to dinner with my grandmother and both boys fell asleep on the 5 minute drive to the restaurant. Silas slept through the salads. But Gavin. That kid slept until we finished paying the check and were leaving. I held him up and bounced him. I talked to him. I wiggled him. He was passed. Out! I felt bad that he woke up in time to leave. Poor kid missed all the fun. But now it is almost 11:30 and he is wide awake and sitting right next to me eating chex mix for dinner because despite my best efforts to make him something that is all he wants. It won't kill him, whateves.

 Now that I got that out of my system. I was thinking I need to record a list of phobias. In case my kids ever wonder if they are weird or whatever for having certain fears and I'm not around to reassure them that it's a totally legit phobia to have. Unless it's bibliophobia. In which case, you're disowned. Get a life. Okay...
First, my biggest fear hands down (besides the bazillion different horrible things that could happen to my children or husband or siblings) is heights. Like, it might be unhealthy how afraid of heights I am. I'll put it this way, when I watch a movie and someone is on the side of a building, cliff, airplane, anything that is taller than than a one story roof I have a physical reaction to the fear. I get sweaty, my heart races, my skin starts to get uncomfortable and prickly. I go nuts. And the higher the ledge, the worse the reaction. It's bad.

Second, Roaches. Omg. I hate hate hate roaches with every ounce of my being. They are disgusting horrible vile things. The few times in my life that I have come into physical contact with a roach made me want to burn the flesh off of that part of my body. They are quiet and sneaky and I'd rather face a ninja. Disgusting. Blah.

Cancer. I have always had this huge fear of cancer. Not so much what it means. But the fact that this horrible disease can be living inside of you without warning. It can just start growing one day and you may never know or not know until it's too late. It's bizarre. I can protect myself and my family from so many things, take great measures to prevent accidents, but cancer, if it wants to happen, it just will. Being unaware and unable to stop it is what freaks me out. I used to spend many, many nights as a kid obsessing and fretting over every little thing that I was convinced was cancer. I'm normal.

Aging. Not so much a fear but the thing I dread the most. I realize it is inevitable but that doesn't stop me from pretending it won't happen. Hoping I can stop/ reverse it. People laugh and say I'm too young to be worried about getting old but, hello! Someone forgot to tell these people that 23 IS old and I will be there in just a few days. Gross. Make it stop.

I guess the biggest fear of mine is definitely not being able to protect my kids or even my husband. It's so hard for me to let any of them go because I am terrified of one day getting a bad call. I'm always worried about my siblings because I know I can't do anything about them or their decisions but I always worry. I worry constantly about everyone. I most definitely pray for safety more than I pray for anything else. It might be obsessive.
I know there is more but these are the major ones. I'm not afraid of much, but the things I am afraid of really really get me.

Procrastination.

Pretty much I'm excellent at procrastinating. A+ student in Not Getting Shit Done 101.

My laptop battery has politely told me for maybe a year months now that it was dying, for good. I politely ignored it because as long as I had the charger I could pretend all was well. Then it happened. The charger died too. I kill electronics. It's documented. I will need to get around to replacing them both eventually but my awesome brother brought me his old charger so that just bought me at least a few more months of procrastinating. Heyoo!


So, I've sat for a few days with no way to write to the one random person who accidentally stumbles onto my blog by googling something about fitness or pictures of buff guys. It happens, I'm sure.

I might really need my husband to come home soon. I'm getting so boring bored.


Today, the boys and I went to visit a friend and have a playdate with her little girl. Our days go so much better when we get out of the house for a while. I was pretty bummed though that I didn't get to the gym. I'm finally making time for myself again and I love it. I have attempted to workout only a handful of times since I had Thing 1 but now I'm back at it and I really missed it and I love it! I love rediscovering old loves. Like, when my husband finally gets off that freaking boat!

A Bamboozle!

Since today's post technically belongs to yesterday and I just got around to finishing it today, this day deserves it's own post. But only because it's a special day. Today is Hitler's birthday! Just kidding. But really it is. It's also the anniversary of Columbine. Sad face. It's also the anniversary of the oil spill. Mad face. BUT none of those things are good things. Unless, you're Mrs. Hitler and you don't yet know what kind genocidal maniac you just gave birth to. Any-shnauzer, today is my husband's birthday!!!! It weirds me out that he is so old though. 25!! That means I'm getting older too and I really don't like that concept. I'm still trying to convince myself that I stopped at 17. Teen Mom, heyy!

*Pause for conveniently timed phone call from husband*

As I was saying, today is the day my wonderful husband was born. I adore him! Despite having just had this conversation...
Austin: What are you doing?
Me: I started a blog! I'm writing.
Austin: Ya? What's it about?
Me: Me, pretty much. It's not important like a parenting blog or a cooking blog or fitness blog. It's just me. My life. Mostly since I have no one to talk to most of the time so I just talk to myself in cyber space.
Austin: That's more pathetic than just not having anyone to talk to.

See? He's a charmer, this one. He was a hell raiser (thanks for that genetic code) but he has become an incredible man. I'm blessed he's mine. I wish he weren't hanging out on a barge and swimming in a swamp today and instead was home with us, but we'll celebrate later. He also happens to be one hell of a dad! Seriously, late nights, poopy blow-outs, temper tantrums, discipline, kissing boo boos, focusing on the kid instead of whatever else he's doing, bedtime stories, obnoxious kid shows. He does it all! I hope one day our boys grow up and realize how blessed they are to have a dad like him, and then they decide to be just like him when they become fathers.

Happy Birthday to the man that I love. The man that makes all my dreams come true. I love you more than I could ever tell you! Even if you did bamboozle me into this life ;)

The calm before the storm

Earlier this afternoon I had to take the car to the dealership to get the shocks fixed on the tailgate door... thing. On the way there both boys fell asleep and since I often dream of sticking them in the car and just driving, so I can forget all the chaos for just a while, that's what we did. Sorta. See, gas being 4 bucks a gallon makes joyriding hard to swallow, instead I got some awful food (and by awful I mean loaded with who knows what, but tastes so good!) a giant cherry limeade and parked in an empty lot. I put the windows down and enjoyed the breeze and my music. It was peace. Austin, the husband, called and it was so nice to talk to him without all the madness swirling around me. I miss that man when he's gone.

I had hopes that the rest of my day would be just as beautiful and peaceful, but who am I kidding? I knew to enjoy the little moment while it lasted. Once the offspring woke up and the whining started and the crying slowly got louder and louder, reality snapped back into focus and the rest of the day was grocery shopping temper tantrums and more threats to leave my defiant toddler in the store/car/with that hobo chillin under the bridge than I can count. But, finally, it got late and eyes got tired and as I put my sweet hellians to bed I caught a breath of that peacefulness from the afternoon, the calm before the storm.

Prom. Landfills. and The Aligment of Stars.

Silas is amazing!! Right now he is sitting in the playroom just crawling around playing with different toys. He's been contently playing alone for about 45 minutes now and I adore him for it. Among other things, but right now I love that he's not making me hold him. He sprouted his first tooth today. My little baby won't stop getting big and it makes me kinda sad. But I'm proud of him and it's exciting to watch him learn, that's my favorite part of the boys growing up, watching them learn new things.

Today was an interesting day. One I expected would probably never happen. I went prom dress shopping with my sister, but that isn't the strange part. I mean, I always hoped that as her big sister she would take me prom dress shopping with her. The weird part is that our dad was there. Normally, that's not so unusual, but my dad and I have not had a relationship and basically no contact, save for a few graduations and a couple of unsolicited visits from him, for the last five years. I chose to sever our ties because I needed to work through the landfill of emotional garbage he'd dumped on me my whole life and you can't really clean anything up while someone keeps piling more crap on, right? So, I got rid of the garbage man. Ok, I'm done with this methaphore. But it was fitting right? I've been in a good place for a while now. He no longer has any authority or power to bring me down or create chaos in my life with his own mess. I'm in a place now that I can be around him and it doesn't bother me, I can talk to him without feeling like I'm letting him win something. To me, he is no different than any other person you meet. You say hello, make small talk, everything is civil and you move on. It doesn't linger with you for days or weeks, it's a fleeting moment and it holds no value. That is how I see my relationship with him right now. I can take it or leave it and I will not feel different either way. I guess after all the battles with him in the last 23 years, I finally won the war. I'm free of all the baggage and I've never felt better. Anyway, recently his stars aligned and situations came up and family visited and somehow it all worked out that we ended up at the same place at the same time. And for the first time ever, he got to see and hold his grandsons (I'm still working on that term, I'm not there yet). So when my sister asked me to come dress shopping I agreed, then I learned he was going too, but I still agreed. It ended up being a good day, he got to play with the boys and spend time with them. And I hung out with my sister and brother and future sis in law. For the longest time I thought that I would never for any reason willingly be around him, but life is interesting like that I suppose. Who knows what the future holds for this relationship (or whatever it is) I guess we will have to wait for the stars to align again, but for now. It just is.

On a better note, Sarah picked out a gorgeous dress!! I need a reason to borrow it in the future, so invite me to a wedding or something!

This is the Story of A Girl

My New Year's resolution (hah!) was to start keeping a journal and, well, it's now half way through April and this is the first journally thing I've written. I guess I know why I've never bothered to make a resolution before. Any-schnauzer, I wanted to keep a journal so that I can show my kids when they are grown up, so they can know me if ever I weren't with them anymore, or just so I can remember because, on the real, my memory blows. My oldest son is almost three and already I've forgotten so many things about his babyhood. Like, today we went to an Easter egg hunt and my mom asked if it was Gavin who got half a plastic egg stuck in his mouth when he was a baby. I told her no but half a day later that is starting to sound kinda familiar. See? Awful memory. I really don't want to forget all the cute/ crazy/ and annoying things these kids do. So I can look back and say "awww" or "dude, you're lucky I let you live."

So now you're wondering why I don't just keep all these presh memories safely written in a cutely crafted notebook, right? That was my plan. I don't think I'm much of a "blogger" but we'll see because I am apparently also not a traditional journaler considering I've been meaning to get to it for four months.

Soo, I guess I'll just jump right in and you can get to know me along the way. A few basics though. I'm the mom- I always win (an important lesson when you're two and insanely stubborn.) I have two amazing and wild little boys, 2 and 8 months old and I also happen to be married to the best husband in the history of husbands. I'm 22, despite my very best efforts to stay 17 forever. My husband is a commercial diver which takes him away from home for a significant part of the year, leaving me to figure out how to muscle my way through motherhood and baby stages and flying solo. In the last several years of living this lifestyle I've come to learn that... All You've Got to Keep is Strong.



I tend to update my facebook with way too many quotes from Gavin so I might as well publish them here too. Today at the grocery store and at home while I cleaned he kept asking me "is there anything I can do to help?" Heart sufficiently melted!`