I chose the title that I did for this blog because I feel like it's something of a moto for my life. No matter what point in my past I look at there was always something I just had to keep strong and get through. It's a very prominent part of my days lately. Keeping strong.
I've talked a little about how my husband works in the oilfield and so he is gone for weeks at a time. We never know when he leaves or when he comes home. It's kinda hectic. He has currently been gone for about six weeks. It's not as long as some guys stay out, but after 3 years of us being used to a fairly consistent 3-4 week rotation (unofficially), we are all running out of patience and I am trying to figure out just how long I can keep strong.
It's so hard some days. Stress. Everyone missing Austin. Gavin having some serious missing daddy issues. Clingieness. The whining, oh geeez the whining. And on top of it all I was sick the last two days and am finally coming around to feeling better. All of this stuff piled up on top of the normal craziness of life, it's just too much some days. Some days, like today, I feel like a complete failure as a mother. I'm trying so hard to be the mom my kids deserve while I deal with all of the above, all the while trying to fight off the demons ingrained in me that just want me to satisfy my urge to be angry. It's how when people say someone was "seeing red". It's like in that moment you just have such overwhelming anger. Even if you know rationally that whatever is upsetting you isn't worth the reaction, it's still so much work to fight those feelings. I know in the front of my mind that my children and their well being are always my priority that's why I am left completely depleted of energy and strength at the end of a day like today. It's hard enough to be a mom and take care of children night and day. It's a whole other story when you're trying to fight off your demons during it all.
This is why a part of me will always hate my father. Call it selfish. Call it placing the blame. Call it whatever you want but I will never be able to forgive him for not loving my siblings and I enough to be better to us. He didn't fight his demons that were placed in him as a kid. He gave in to them. He taught me how to be mad. Hateful. Mean. He didn't try to fight his urges to satisfy his anger, he just gave in to them. Often with one of us as the target for where he'd channel that anger. He didn't try to be better for me and he passed his demons on to me. I hate him now because it is a struggle constantly to be better for my kids. I have to love them enough to fight. I shouldn't have to, but that's what it is. I just want to do my best for them so that they never have to deal with this struggle between what is right and what is eating away inside of you to get out. I want to pass on my good qualities to them so I try so hard to keep this one to myself. But some days, like today, after so much yelling, and frustration, I feel like I failed.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Monday, July 2, 2012
Kairos
So, lately I've had a serious itch to get more tattoos. It's been over 2 years since my last one and it's time for more. I am the kinda person who loves meaningful tattoos. No matter what I have on my body, if it's meaningful to me I will always love it. The tattoos I have now mean so much to me and I will never dislike them. I've been wanting to get the word "kairos" for some time and I think that it will soon be my new addition. Kairos is one of two words that the ancient Greeks used to refer to time. Chronos, as we all know is the minute by minute, hour by hour chronological order of time. Kairos, on the other hand is the word the Greeks used to refer to a special moment. The kind of moment when time stands still and you absorb those few fleeting seconds. In the New Testament kairos is considered God's time, or the appointed time when God acts.
For me kairos is when my ten month old grins at me with his big toothy smile. Or he presses his forehead against my forehead and closes his eyes as if he is also savoring the moment and closeness with me. It's when my 3 year old runs to kiss his brother and be silly to cheer him up and tells him "it's ok silly boy." It's when he wraps his arms around my neck and tells me I'm the best ever <3 Kairos is when I move him into his own bed at night and he sleepily kisses me on the cheek without even waking. It's when my husband comes home from a hitch offshore and my family is together again, safely and happily. Kairos is the moment I realize that Austin and I have been cuddling and talking uninterrupted long enough to really get lost in conversation. It's every moment that I know in my heart that I am exactly where I should be and life is exactly as it was meant to be.
Too often it is easy to let these moments pass with just a slight smile and no second thought. It's far too often that we let the truly beautiful pause in time go without much of a pause. Life, as I feel like I often write, gets in the way. I know it does for me. I know that some nights as I fall asleep I recall of a random part of the day and realize that I should have enjoyed it just a bit more. These tiny fragments of pure joy are like a glimpse into what I imagine heaven to be. Peace. Happiness. Love.
So, for me this tattoo will be a regular reminder to grab hold of the special moments, because after all, those moments are indeed God's time.
For me kairos is when my ten month old grins at me with his big toothy smile. Or he presses his forehead against my forehead and closes his eyes as if he is also savoring the moment and closeness with me. It's when my 3 year old runs to kiss his brother and be silly to cheer him up and tells him "it's ok silly boy." It's when he wraps his arms around my neck and tells me I'm the best ever <3 Kairos is when I move him into his own bed at night and he sleepily kisses me on the cheek without even waking. It's when my husband comes home from a hitch offshore and my family is together again, safely and happily. Kairos is the moment I realize that Austin and I have been cuddling and talking uninterrupted long enough to really get lost in conversation. It's every moment that I know in my heart that I am exactly where I should be and life is exactly as it was meant to be.
Too often it is easy to let these moments pass with just a slight smile and no second thought. It's far too often that we let the truly beautiful pause in time go without much of a pause. Life, as I feel like I often write, gets in the way. I know it does for me. I know that some nights as I fall asleep I recall of a random part of the day and realize that I should have enjoyed it just a bit more. These tiny fragments of pure joy are like a glimpse into what I imagine heaven to be. Peace. Happiness. Love.
So, for me this tattoo will be a regular reminder to grab hold of the special moments, because after all, those moments are indeed God's time.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Things I've Learned Today.
Marley, will stay inside for all day and night if it means he doesn't have to go out in the rain. It also means he has to hold it for well over 24 hours. Impressive.
Silas, will tear some shit up to get at a PB&J. Noted. New go to food for him cause, wow.
I might be more productive when it's storming outside.
I'm going back to school. Math frightens me.
Silas, will tear some shit up to get at a PB&J. Noted. New go to food for him cause, wow.
I might be more productive when it's storming outside.
I'm going back to school. Math frightens me.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
To Hell With It!
Life has been something of a struggle lately. And despite my desire to write I've been unable to muster anything I want to remember. Austin lost his job. We expected him to leave any moment but instead got a call that the company was closing up shop. Talk about knocking the wind out of us! Luckily, before the day was over he had an interview lined up for the following week. He got the job, a gnarly pay cut, and the boot back to the bottom of the totem pole. But that can't keep my husband down. He's grateful for the work, he's a hard worker and is much less daunted by these 47 steps backward than I am. So, he's working, proving himself all over again.
Meanwhile, I am home with the bambinos. They don't understand any of this so life here has been the same. Except for me. I've been stressed. I've let the stress get to me. It's gotten in the way of me being the badass mom I should be and giving my kids the badass childhood they deserve. I fret over wages, work conditions, and the house. Oh man, the house. You know when you're down and you feel like doing nothing. Well, my poor house. When my space is a cluttered mess my brain shuts down. Literally can't function in this. Add about 3 more layers of stress. I've been such a witch lately. I mean, not in a horrible way, but in a kinda "do what you want and leave me alone" kinda way. I haven't been fun for my boys. I haven't been fostering their joy and excitement at the world. I feel responsible to give them that now before they get older and start to see the shadows. I want them to live in the light and know they can do anything for as long as they possibly can. I know some day someone is going to tell them they can't, then they will tell themselves but I hope that if I tell them they can enough, they will always believe it. Lately, I've been a 'can't' mom. Today reality smacked me in the head and said stop being such a whiny brat and be grateful. At least he has a job and managed to snatch one up in no time. Our bills will be paid. Our kids will be fed. What more do I really need?
So, today I'm saying to hell with it! Screw the stress, I will always be able to find something to stress about. Gavin will only be thrilled at the sight of his baby brother learning something new for so long. Silas will only bounce and giggle when I walk into a room for a short time. I can't and won't allow my perception of the way things should be to ruin any day for my kids. After all, who decides what "should be" is, anyway? We do. Sure, there are ideals, expectations and aspirations that most people believe we should all follow. That we are told to follow. But only the ones in my life get a say in what "should be" for us. And, as the shot caller around here, I owe it to them to take back the control of what is ideal for our family. So what if my house is a huge mess, it's that way because my kids pulled every single toy out and had fun with it. So what if my couch is a little lumpy, Gavin spent 45 minutes believing he is a superhero and jumped back and forth from the ottoman to the couch. So what if Silas has been naked all day, nothing makes that kid's face light up like taking off his diaper and letting him get some air! Who cares if Gavin is covered in stamps and marker, he's "just pretending he has tattoos." We'll do that! Pretend, play, laugh, imagine, bond, love. These are the things I take away from my kids when I get into a funk and try to fit our lives into someone else's mold. So, we took a little blow. The great thing is, perfect for us, is just happy. And happy is when we see what is amazing in the world, what is exciting about learning new stuff, and how much fun we have when we enjoy the ones we love. Happy is when we CAN!!
Now, to go make Silas realize he CAN walk!!
Meanwhile, I am home with the bambinos. They don't understand any of this so life here has been the same. Except for me. I've been stressed. I've let the stress get to me. It's gotten in the way of me being the badass mom I should be and giving my kids the badass childhood they deserve. I fret over wages, work conditions, and the house. Oh man, the house. You know when you're down and you feel like doing nothing. Well, my poor house. When my space is a cluttered mess my brain shuts down. Literally can't function in this. Add about 3 more layers of stress. I've been such a witch lately. I mean, not in a horrible way, but in a kinda "do what you want and leave me alone" kinda way. I haven't been fun for my boys. I haven't been fostering their joy and excitement at the world. I feel responsible to give them that now before they get older and start to see the shadows. I want them to live in the light and know they can do anything for as long as they possibly can. I know some day someone is going to tell them they can't, then they will tell themselves but I hope that if I tell them they can enough, they will always believe it. Lately, I've been a 'can't' mom. Today reality smacked me in the head and said stop being such a whiny brat and be grateful. At least he has a job and managed to snatch one up in no time. Our bills will be paid. Our kids will be fed. What more do I really need?
So, today I'm saying to hell with it! Screw the stress, I will always be able to find something to stress about. Gavin will only be thrilled at the sight of his baby brother learning something new for so long. Silas will only bounce and giggle when I walk into a room for a short time. I can't and won't allow my perception of the way things should be to ruin any day for my kids. After all, who decides what "should be" is, anyway? We do. Sure, there are ideals, expectations and aspirations that most people believe we should all follow. That we are told to follow. But only the ones in my life get a say in what "should be" for us. And, as the shot caller around here, I owe it to them to take back the control of what is ideal for our family. So what if my house is a huge mess, it's that way because my kids pulled every single toy out and had fun with it. So what if my couch is a little lumpy, Gavin spent 45 minutes believing he is a superhero and jumped back and forth from the ottoman to the couch. So what if Silas has been naked all day, nothing makes that kid's face light up like taking off his diaper and letting him get some air! Who cares if Gavin is covered in stamps and marker, he's "just pretending he has tattoos." We'll do that! Pretend, play, laugh, imagine, bond, love. These are the things I take away from my kids when I get into a funk and try to fit our lives into someone else's mold. So, we took a little blow. The great thing is, perfect for us, is just happy. And happy is when we see what is amazing in the world, what is exciting about learning new stuff, and how much fun we have when we enjoy the ones we love. Happy is when we CAN!!
Now, to go make Silas realize he CAN walk!!
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Counting Sheep
It's been a little while, so let's dive right in!
There are a few things that have been on my mind lately. One of them has only been on it for about 10 minutes and that is how glad I am that my kiddos sleep in my bed. I tried to go to sleep when the boys all went down, but I hadn't washed my face and all I could think about was how sick nasty my pores felt. So I got up to take care of that when I heard my oldest make this very startling squeal/whimper/cry and despite the fact that I knew he was in my bed snuggled safely next to my husband, a mama never can ignore the distressed cry of her little cub, so I dropped everything and ran to check on him. Of course, as I'd expected, he was still asleep and daddy was already on the ball comforting him. As I stood there trying not to vomit my heart, I realized that had I heard that sound coming from his room I would have... well, there are some things that we can't even imagine our reactions to them. I'm just glad that in that moment, I knew he was safe and just having a bad dream.
*Pause for distressed cries from the baby*
No sooner than I finished writing about the wakings of Gavin does Silas start screaming. I ran into my room, slid into my spot in the bed and offered to nurse him, which always soothes him right back to sleep, but not this time. He cried inconsolably for several minutes, refusing to nurse. I finally took him out of the room and sat back at the computer and he instantly settled back to sleep. Clearly, I need to make a dream catcher.
Speaking of dreams, something I actually have been curious about- what do dogs dream? I always hear my dog making noises in his sleep and I know he's dreaming about barking or he will move his legs as if he is at full speed running (which is funny to see while he's laying on his side) and I just wonder what goes on in a dog's brain while they sleep. Like, we have dreams that we can fly, or that bad guys are after us, or the dimensions of reality are warped, do dogs dream that way? Or is it just run of the mill annoying the mail lady, chasing that black dude on a bike down the street, or digging giant ass holes in my backyard? Do dogs have the capacity to dream about things outside of their grasp? I know I dream about things I can't consciously understand all the time. I know it's not profound (shut up Justin) but I was wondering. Get at me with some research!
I'm going to go snuggle my bambinos and hope they sleep peacefully from here on out. Sweet dreams!
There are a few things that have been on my mind lately. One of them has only been on it for about 10 minutes and that is how glad I am that my kiddos sleep in my bed. I tried to go to sleep when the boys all went down, but I hadn't washed my face and all I could think about was how sick nasty my pores felt. So I got up to take care of that when I heard my oldest make this very startling squeal/whimper/cry and despite the fact that I knew he was in my bed snuggled safely next to my husband, a mama never can ignore the distressed cry of her little cub, so I dropped everything and ran to check on him. Of course, as I'd expected, he was still asleep and daddy was already on the ball comforting him. As I stood there trying not to vomit my heart, I realized that had I heard that sound coming from his room I would have... well, there are some things that we can't even imagine our reactions to them. I'm just glad that in that moment, I knew he was safe and just having a bad dream.
*Pause for distressed cries from the baby*
No sooner than I finished writing about the wakings of Gavin does Silas start screaming. I ran into my room, slid into my spot in the bed and offered to nurse him, which always soothes him right back to sleep, but not this time. He cried inconsolably for several minutes, refusing to nurse. I finally took him out of the room and sat back at the computer and he instantly settled back to sleep. Clearly, I need to make a dream catcher.
Speaking of dreams, something I actually have been curious about- what do dogs dream? I always hear my dog making noises in his sleep and I know he's dreaming about barking or he will move his legs as if he is at full speed running (which is funny to see while he's laying on his side) and I just wonder what goes on in a dog's brain while they sleep. Like, we have dreams that we can fly, or that bad guys are after us, or the dimensions of reality are warped, do dogs dream that way? Or is it just run of the mill annoying the mail lady, chasing that black dude on a bike down the street, or digging giant ass holes in my backyard? Do dogs have the capacity to dream about things outside of their grasp? I know I dream about things I can't consciously understand all the time. I know it's not profound (shut up Justin) but I was wondering. Get at me with some research!
I'm going to go snuggle my bambinos and hope they sleep peacefully from here on out. Sweet dreams!
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Lackadaisical
I like that word, and appropriately so considering it describes me well as of late. I have this problem. See, every time my husband comes home every single ounce of productivity just goes right out the window and all I want to do is sit and watch Desperate Housewives. I love Netflix. What did people do prior to being able to watch an entire TV series in one sitting? My skin hurts when I think about having to wait a full week to watch the next episode. Too far? Waiting to see the next episode and baby fingernails are hands down the worst ways to torture me!
Moving on. It was a glorious 2 weeks with my husband and children. We celebrated his belated birthday. We celebrated my birthday. Vibrams and diamonds, heyoo! We visited, we gardened, he changed the diapers, made most of the meals, facilitated nearly all of the baths and even washed and folded laundry. It's almost like a vacation when he comes home (see paragraph 1). I married a damn good man.
Now that the little minions and I are back to our solo routine I am trying to make up for my lackadaisical last two weeks and I have spent the last two days being a domestic goddess. I swept the kitchen like 8 times!! I cooked a ton of freezer breakfast things and other random goodies. I cleaned. A lot. Not that you can tell because the offspring see it as their sole purpose in life to undo any doing that I do. Either way, I feel better about the whole slob kabob mom situation. Now, as my two year old sits on the kitchen table eating a grilled cheese and coloring and the baby squirms happily in the pile of junk mail he's strewn about the place, I realize (again and again) that our normal is very much unlike normal's normal. It makes sense to me. I was reminded of this today when my new sister-in-law-to-be (btw my little brother got engaged this past weekend!!) pointed out how much she enjoys observing the way we raise our children and how apparent it is that we have our own methods to the magic. It felt good for someone to compliment my parenting in such a way. Especially considering that about 90 percent of the time I am absolutely certain that I'm ruining my children. So, if you two are adults now and reading this and you're unable to properly function in society, my bad.<3
Moving on. It was a glorious 2 weeks with my husband and children. We celebrated his belated birthday. We celebrated my birthday. Vibrams and diamonds, heyoo! We visited, we gardened, he changed the diapers, made most of the meals, facilitated nearly all of the baths and even washed and folded laundry. It's almost like a vacation when he comes home (see paragraph 1). I married a damn good man.
Now that the little minions and I are back to our solo routine I am trying to make up for my lackadaisical last two weeks and I have spent the last two days being a domestic goddess. I swept the kitchen like 8 times!! I cooked a ton of freezer breakfast things and other random goodies. I cleaned. A lot. Not that you can tell because the offspring see it as their sole purpose in life to undo any doing that I do. Either way, I feel better about the whole slob kabob mom situation. Now, as my two year old sits on the kitchen table eating a grilled cheese and coloring and the baby squirms happily in the pile of junk mail he's strewn about the place, I realize (again and again) that our normal is very much unlike normal's normal. It makes sense to me. I was reminded of this today when my new sister-in-law-to-be (btw my little brother got engaged this past weekend!!) pointed out how much she enjoys observing the way we raise our children and how apparent it is that we have our own methods to the magic. It felt good for someone to compliment my parenting in such a way. Especially considering that about 90 percent of the time I am absolutely certain that I'm ruining my children. So, if you two are adults now and reading this and you're unable to properly function in society, my bad.<3
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
She's Fabulous, But She's Evil.
My husband is home!!! He got in about 3 days ago so we have been spending lots of family time together and working on our yard. We like yard work. Sorta. I'm so happy to have him home. I have slept in every morning that he's been back and I haven't cleaned the kitchen once! It is always amazing to have help with the kids and house and just have my husband home. It's always nice to hang out with someone you love!
I am so happy to see how happy and calm Gavin has been since his daddy got home. He follows him around all day and helps Austin do things or just has to be near him. It's pretty sweet. He's much more easy going with his dad around and that totally makes my days better!
Poor Silas has had a rough few days. He has had a gnarly fever, cut two teeth, and has slept a ton. But when he's awake he's fussy and clingy and miserable. The fever is gone, but he's still making me crazy.
In other news, tomorrow is my birthday. This proves two things... despite how much I believe in being able to will things to happen (how else do you think I got these abs?) I cannot will the world to skip right over May 2nd. I've realized I should have been a leap year baby, then the world would only ignore my desire to skip my birthday every 4 years. I'd take it. It also proves that, as it turns out, I am not going to die when I'm 22. Unless shit hits the fan in the next 45 minutes. As long as I can remember I have always believed I was gonna kick it at 22. Call me crazy. Really, I would understand. But that is just what I've always believed. I also thought that if it didn't happen at 22 it would probably happen at 23. But I swear, if I make it to 24 (yikes! that just sounds so old!!) then I'll shut up about it. Promise.
I also believe that the day before your birthday should be celebrated. I'd much rather celebrate my last day of being younger than celebrate being another year older. I think the world has this birthday tradition backwards. So, today we went to my mom's and had lunch and Austin and I were given cake and a gift. Since he was away for his birthday and all. Then we came home and planted some junk in the yard, I'm determined to not look like white trash. Pipe dreams. And spent a great day with my favorite men!
PS. Despite my melancholy view on birthdays I am in no way opposed to birthday presents. Particularly if they sparkle. Just saying.
Also, my left boob is as big as Silas' head right now. That might seem awkward to note but when he reads this in 20 years and is totally weirded out, I'm going to giggle.
I am so happy to see how happy and calm Gavin has been since his daddy got home. He follows him around all day and helps Austin do things or just has to be near him. It's pretty sweet. He's much more easy going with his dad around and that totally makes my days better!
Poor Silas has had a rough few days. He has had a gnarly fever, cut two teeth, and has slept a ton. But when he's awake he's fussy and clingy and miserable. The fever is gone, but he's still making me crazy.
In other news, tomorrow is my birthday. This proves two things... despite how much I believe in being able to will things to happen (how else do you think I got these abs?) I cannot will the world to skip right over May 2nd. I've realized I should have been a leap year baby, then the world would only ignore my desire to skip my birthday every 4 years. I'd take it. It also proves that, as it turns out, I am not going to die when I'm 22. Unless shit hits the fan in the next 45 minutes. As long as I can remember I have always believed I was gonna kick it at 22. Call me crazy. Really, I would understand. But that is just what I've always believed. I also thought that if it didn't happen at 22 it would probably happen at 23. But I swear, if I make it to 24 (yikes! that just sounds so old!!) then I'll shut up about it. Promise.
I also believe that the day before your birthday should be celebrated. I'd much rather celebrate my last day of being younger than celebrate being another year older. I think the world has this birthday tradition backwards. So, today we went to my mom's and had lunch and Austin and I were given cake and a gift. Since he was away for his birthday and all. Then we came home and planted some junk in the yard, I'm determined to not look like white trash. Pipe dreams. And spent a great day with my favorite men!
PS. Despite my melancholy view on birthdays I am in no way opposed to birthday presents. Particularly if they sparkle. Just saying.
Also, my left boob is as big as Silas' head right now. That might seem awkward to note but when he reads this in 20 years and is totally weirded out, I'm going to giggle.
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