To Hell With It!

Life has been something of a struggle lately. And despite my desire to write I've been unable to muster anything I want to remember. Austin lost his job. We expected him to leave any moment but instead got a call that the company was closing up shop. Talk about knocking the wind out of us! Luckily, before the day was over he had an interview lined up for the following week. He got the job, a gnarly pay cut, and the boot back to the bottom of the totem pole. But that can't keep my husband down. He's grateful for the work, he's a hard worker and is much less daunted by these 47 steps backward than I am. So, he's working, proving himself all over again.

Meanwhile, I am home with the bambinos. They don't understand any of this so life here has been the same. Except for me. I've been stressed. I've let the stress get to me. It's gotten in the way of me being the badass mom I should be and giving my kids the badass childhood they deserve. I fret over wages, work conditions, and the house. Oh man, the house. You know when you're down and you feel like doing nothing. Well, my poor house. When my space is a cluttered mess my brain shuts down. Literally can't function in this. Add about 3 more layers of stress. I've been such a witch lately. I mean, not in a horrible way, but in a kinda "do what you want and leave me alone" kinda way. I haven't been fun for my boys. I haven't been fostering their joy and excitement at the world. I feel responsible to give them that now before they get older and start to see the shadows. I want them to live in the light and know they can do anything for as long as they possibly can. I know some day someone is going to tell them they can't, then they will tell themselves but I hope that if I tell them they can enough, they will always believe it. Lately, I've been a 'can't' mom. Today reality smacked me in the head and said stop being such a whiny brat and be grateful. At least he has a job and managed to snatch one up in no time. Our bills will be paid. Our kids will be fed. What more do I really need?

So, today I'm saying to hell with it! Screw the stress, I will always be able to find something to stress about. Gavin will only be thrilled at the sight of his baby brother learning something new for so long. Silas will only bounce and giggle when I walk into a room for a short time. I can't and won't allow my perception of the way things should be to ruin any day for my kids. After all, who decides what "should be" is, anyway? We do. Sure, there are ideals, expectations and aspirations that most people believe we should all follow. That we are told to follow. But only the ones in my life get a say in what "should be" for us. And, as the shot caller around here, I owe it to them to take back the control of what is ideal for our family. So what if my house is a huge mess, it's that way because my kids pulled every single toy out and had fun with it. So what if my couch is a little lumpy, Gavin spent 45 minutes believing he is a superhero and jumped back and forth from the ottoman to the couch. So what if Silas has been naked all day, nothing makes that kid's face light up like taking off his diaper and letting him get some air! Who cares if Gavin is covered in stamps and marker, he's "just pretending he has tattoos." We'll do that! Pretend, play, laugh, imagine, bond, love. These are the things I take away from my kids when I get into a funk and try to fit our lives into someone else's mold. So, we took a little blow. The great thing is, perfect for us, is just happy. And happy is when we see what is amazing in the world, what is exciting about learning new stuff, and how much fun we have when we enjoy the ones we love. Happy is when we CAN!!

Now, to go make Silas realize he CAN walk!!